#1: Little Fish, Big Pond
Embracing my naivety as I enter corporate America (and start my Substack!)
I’ve come to realize in my 19 years of age, that my struggle is not unique. My ideas fail to come to fruition every time I type on a page. Even now, I find myself cringing at the words on my screen, thinking “How is this anything?” and “No one wants to read this.” A writer often believes they have nothing to say. I’m not immune from this dilemma. Here I was calling myself a writer and using the same label as published authors, renowned artists, but I had nothing solid to put to my name. My works have only been published in my head.
Looking into the mirror, I can never see how others view me. Physically, my young insecure self gasped when I realized my side part did not look as good in pictures as when you flipped the image in my reflection. Mentally, I couldn’t understand how people read me in the room. In search of control over my image, I became reserved. My thought process was basically if I was mysterious enough, then people would assume the coolest things about me. I thought that's what smart people did, you know? I just wanted to be the cool kid!
Instead, my silence became an obstacle from truly allowing myself to exist in front of others. I was in fear of shame, embarrassment, and not being in control of how I was perceived. It didn’t help that I was in a large school where speaking up was intimidating because of how many eyes can fall on you when you raise your hand. I found myself to feel like a little fish in a big pond. There were so many people around me, it was safer to stick to my label than get eaten by the sharks (I know sharks don’t live in ponds, but the dead soul glare was very visible in my high school).
Then came Substack. Recommended to me by my dad, who always gave me hard advice on being a writer. Something that he always told me was to just write it down. All my ideas, anything! Yet, the big pond was always so scary. So many great writers, how can I compare?
Well, the truth is, I’m warming up to the idea of not having much to contrast. I’m settling into the idea that many thoughts I have as a smart and lonely 19 year old girl and not that different from all the other smart and lonely late teen girls out there (btw, reach out!! I want friends hehe). When I turned 19, I pretended that I started my twenties because I was quote “done with being a teenager.” So typical! An eldest daughter wants to grow up faster? Newsflash, she’s already too mature for her age.
A little fish can pretend to be a big fish, but her true abilities will always show. There’s not much substance to trying to be a big fish. The whole point of growth is understanding what made you “little” and working towards being “big.” How can I have this mental perception of all these people reading my Substacks, when I haven’t even dipped my toes in the pond!
Next week I’m starting a big girl internship. Soooo scary. I’m the little fish truly swimming with the sharks of corporate America. Yucky. I don’t even know what excel is. However, I was picked for a reason; there is potential within me. I read this potential as “It’s okay if you think you have nothing to say, but it’s there. Keep trying making smaller pieces and eventually the bigger pieces will fall into place.”
I’m excited to start becoming the big fish but for now I’m going to enjoy the fruits of getting started.
So welcome to my blog!! The official digital footprint of Phia Hutcheson. I’ll be talking about my life, my twenties, and my thoughts on politics, culture, and philosophy. Thank you to the three people reading this, more to come!!